WHITE TILE ON CANVAS

WHITE TILE ON CANVAS

(Curtain opens, a young Ben Shapiro, seemingly moping, with bad posture has his hands in his pockets. 
He is lightly kicking at the snow)

(Enter Dad Cheerily)

Hey son, young Ben Shapiro! Whatcha doin’ champ?

YBS
Just playin’ in the snow, Pa. You know me, young Ben Shapiro, if I’m not practicing my violin I’m playin’.

Dad
Well, sure don’t look very playful to me son…young Ben Shapiro

YBS
Dad, thing is, I love playing the violin.
Playing the theme from Schindler’s list on the violin over and over is exactly what a young boy, a young Ben Shapiro, needs. But…But…

Dad
(Understanding)
Oh, I see. I think I know what this is about. I think I understand.

YBS
You do, Pa?


Dad
This is about the little dicks, isn’t it, my son, the young Ben Shapiro?

YBS
(Looks up relieved)
Yeah, Dad. It is. It is about the little dicks.

Dad
Well, it’s no secret. Us Shapiros love drawing little dicks.

YBS
(Excited)
Really Dad? Us Shapiros, we draw little dicks? 

Dad
(Proudly)
That’s right! Every male Shapiro as far back as the Mayflower has been an admirer of that bit of anatomy we call the dick. In fact, your great uncle was a famous dick watcher! Bet you didn’t know that did ya?

YBS
(Flatly)
This is the first time you’ve spoken to me outside a violin recital.

Dad
(Undaunted)
Well, all that’s gonna change now, young Ben Shapiro!
Tomorrow, you and I are gonna pack a lunch, grab my binoculars and head out early.

YBS
(Enthralled)
We are?

Dad
We are! I am gonna take you to the best dick watching spot for miles! A spot your grandaddy found and passed down to me. And now I’m gonna pass it down to you.
YBS
(Excitedly)
Where Dad? Where? Where is the best cockwatching spot in the tri-state area?

Dad
(Matter of Factly)
I didn’t say “tri-state area” 
I said “for miles” I meant it’s pretty good but “Tri-state area”? I think not.

(Next to YBS, as if envisioning before them)
Son, tomorrow I’m gonna take you to the place where male genitalia flows like wine! Where you find more dickheads than a drum circle! It calls to me, you know? That white tile prairie and all its’ many dicks calls to me. And now it will call to you too, young Ben Shapiro.

YBS
Pa, yer just the best Pa in the whole world!

Dad
Thanks son. Oh! But, if you’re gonna join your old man in the locker room there’s one thing you’re gonna need.

YBS
(In Awe)
What’s that, Pa?

Dad
A wooden easel!

YBS
(Excited)
Oh my gosh! Really, Pa? My very own? Like, for keeps?

Dad
That’s right son, for keeps. A wooden easel just for you. Hey! What are you gonna name her?

YBS
(Confidently)
I know Just what I’m gonna call her. I’m gonna call her, “Rosenbud”

(pauses)

YBS cont.
(Concerned)
Dad, does that mean you draw little dicks like me??

Dad
No, son, I like big fat dicks.
Big
Fat 
Dicks.
                                                     END

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