The Curious Fate of Lindsey Graham's Boy Scout Troop

The Curious Fate of Lindsey Graham’s Boy Scout troop

Lindsey Graham (R.) was born in the summer of 1955.

He joined the Boy Scouts in 1962. This is the story of the 10 deaths in Troop 966 over the next ten years. Every one was an accident. Every one easily explained.

Or are they?

Sure, Kyle Bottoms drowned in his swimming pool.

Children sometimes die in swimming pools. They usually drown.

But why were his lungs full of Kool-Aid? And why Cherry?

During Lindsey Graham’s first year as a Boy Scout there were three mysterious deaths attributed to “freak accident”.

October of 1962, a ferris wheel malfunctions and Tim Kohler is crushed when sword swallower Jim Hicks falls to his death. Freak accident.

It is worth noting, this would be the same ferris wheel that assisted in the death of Balaban True when his conjoined twin, Mark, leapt to his death. Mark but not Balaban had been fired from the carnival sideshow. He could not bear the thought of his brother having to do all the work for the both of them, do twice as many shows while he did nothing. And conjoined twins came cheap in those days.

Boxing Day saw one more life snuffed out for 966. Chip Willard choked to death when the wing of his model airplane became lodged in his throat. It was four inches long. And It was sideways in his windpipe.

All boys of twelve years old or younger, all first born and all blonde.

There wouldn’t be another death for another year.

Exactly one year.

One Boxing Day later Eddie Bartleby choked on the opposing wing of the same model B-52. Chip’s father, Ken, had given it to Eddie “for being such a great friend”.

At least, that is what Karen Bartleby had been telling everyone for the previous 355 days after Chip’s funeral. The truth is, Eddie wasn’t that bright. He had seen Ken place it on Chip’s casket, assumed it was up for grabs, and nabbed it as they passed what he must’ve thought was a giant brown time capsule. 

Side note, Lindsey Graham has that same model hanging in his office.

July of 1963, one day after Lindsey Graham has a poorly attended birthday party, he attends the birthday celebration of Kyle Bottoms. As you recall, Kyle died with cherry Kool-Aid in his lungs. He hated cherry. And he hated Lindsey Graham. And Lindsey hated him. Their rivalry had begun during a heated Troop 966 round robin Lawn Dart tournament. The winner of that tournament would soon be dead. No one mentions the plastic army man found in the dead boy’s right nostril.

Or the one Lindsey carries in his breast pocket for good luck.

Things were quiet for awhile. Lanyards were made. Camps set and marshmallows roasted.

Until the carnage and bloodletting of 1966.

And this time, it was more personal.

Paul Stillwagon suffocated, his head lodged in the anal cavity of a Clydesdale.

Drew Billingsley died when an M-80 exploded in his anal cavity. And Michael Putty died from having his anus glued shut. He was too embarrassed to tell his parents.

But, this could all be coincidence, right? Surely, nothing could drive a young christian boy to murder his friends, right?

What could those kids have possibly done to Lindsey Graham to make him want to kill them in cold, weird blood?

Perhaps the answer is in the leader of Troop 966.

Dan Cates.

Well-liked by children and a known doofus to adults, members of the troop often vied for his attention. 

Troop 966 did have a time capsule and when it was unearthed in in 1990 a set of small, construction paper journals bound by yarn were found that contained poems dedicated to the man with illustrations that depicted him as an athletic, golden god. Not the portly, gin blossomed man he actually was.

There were three other characters in those small diaries.

Two individuals, one smaller than the other, who look like dark clouds with red eyes and fangs, and a small angel-like boy who is always floating by Dan or being cradled in his muscular arms. Sometimes Dan is cradling the angel/boy and sometimes the boy cradles him and Dan looks small and vulnerable.

Supremely weird stuff.

Abe and Seth Goldman died in 1969 when the ostriches they were riding during their trip to Africa collided head on. Abe was Dan’s second in command and Seth, Abe’s son.

People say Dan took their deaths the hardest.

He didn’t want to camp.

He didn’t want to check out Mayor Cam Daley’s collection of Fart cushions from around the world.

But, as those same people tell it, Lindsey was always close. Always looking to help Dan out, cheer him up.

He would ride his bike to Dan’s house almost everyday, in uniform, and wouldn’t return home til after dark.

Dan was at his saddest.

Lindsey, his happiest.

That’s what they say.

Nine deaths in seven years and one to go.

Maybe the worst.

Definitely the most innocent.

There were three members of Troop 966 in 1972.

Dan Cates, Lindsey Graham and Oscar.

Oscar was the Troop’s mascot, and Irish Setter and Dan’s best friend. He had also been a gift. An attempt by Lindsey to buy his way into the group by bringing a puppy for them all to share. But, Oscar had urinated on Lindsey.

Six times.

And, without fail, someone would comment, “Aww, he’s scared.” Though Lindsey would feed him, walk him, attempt to approach him slowly, once Lindsey got within three feet the young pooch would start to tremble then piss uncontrollably. So, now, Oscar remained close to Dan. There was no one else anyway. Just those three.

If animals can smell evil they can certainly smell asshole.

Sadly, the last thing Oscar smelled was asshole.

It is undisputed Oscar was alone with Lindsey when he died. Lindsey had gone for a pee during the last night of the last camping trip of the summer and, as he tells it, Oscar went with him. As Lindsey did his business, Oscar sank into a mud hole. Lindsey says he only noticed after it was too late but he marked the exact spot of Oscar’s demise with the heaviest rock he could lift.

That rock is still there.

Oscar is still there.

And Lindsey Graham loves mud baths.

I am unsure if two people qualify as a “troop”.

But, I know Dan Cates still met with Lindsey and took him camping.

Even after Dan’s nervous breakdown.

Even well into his 80’s.

Even during chemo.

He never missed a day.

He was never a minute late.

So, that’s it. Those are the ten deaths of Lindsey Graham’s Troop 966.

Perhaps next time we will get into the 132 mystifying secretarial deaths connected to Lindsey Graham.

The most grisly is the death of Graham Pope who Lindsey would say, “If we were married, you’d be Graham Graham” then giggle, blush and knock over his scrimshaw dildo in hopes of seeing Mr. Pope bend over to pick it up. Graham Pope’s autopsy, by far the most time consuming and disturbing, discovered 13 staplers in his colon. Every last one was full of staples.

You may doubt my claims.

I don’t blame you.

They're all lies.

But, Lindsey Graham is not innocent.