SIMI-DETACHED

Dad and Mom are in their lovely middle class living room. Both in their early 30’s. They are Latino. Dad is watching TV. Mom looks on, seeming a bit dazed. Randy, who is clearly a bit older and caucasian, walks by in a business suit. Dad: Randy, why don’t you come have a seat? Me and your mother would like to speak with you for a moment. And, you know buddy, it’s kind of important. Mom: *Nods, wide eyed, maybe even a little scared.  Randy: Looks quizzical at his parents and sits down slowly. Dad: Now, Randy, I know you think you are a big boy. I mean, look at you, you’re what, 38? Randy: 40, Dad. Dad: Wow, 40. Can you believe it, hon? Our boy is really growing up fast. Isn’t he, honey? Mom: (Eeks out) Uh-huh. Grow? Dad: Yes, “grow”. And that’s what I want to talk to you about, buddy. Growing. Now, I know you take two trains and a bus to get to work everyday but, and your mom agrees, it’s time you start kindergarten. Right honey? Mom : (Stares blankly) ...

This year, the sloping toilet received a bit of press and social media attention. It is meant to "discourage loitering" and looks something like this. Never wanting to miss out on an opportunity to make a buck, I created QUICKPOOZ LLC. What follows are our own toilets designed to "discourage loitering". The Spike Toilet was our first idea and it inspired many great ideas. It challenged what we at QUICKPOOZ LLC thought of as "discomfort" and "pressure". The Electric Toilet's groundbreaking engineering pushed our creative team and soon we added this Nikolai Tesla inspired favorite to the production schedule. And then, a breakthrough. The elements! What else had we been missing?  What is faster than a fear shit? Artists, engineers and marketing, working in concert to bring about a new era of high productivity and high risk BMs. CEOs and regional managers love us. Loyal employees fear genital mutilation while p...

The Curious Fate of Lindsey Graham’s Boy Scout troop Lindsey Graham (R.) was born in the summer of 1955. He joined the Boy Scouts in 1962. This is the story of the 10 deaths in Troop 966 over the next ten years. Every one was an accident. Every one easily explained. Or are they? Sure, Kyle Bottoms drowned in his swimming pool. Children sometimes die in swimming pools. They usually drown. But why were his lungs full of Kool-Aid? And why Cherry? During Lindsey Graham’s first year as a Boy Scout there were three mysterious deaths attributed to “freak accident”. October of 1962, a ferris wheel malfunctions and Tim Kohler is crushed when sword swallower Jim Hicks falls to his death. Freak accident. It is worth noting, this would be the same ferris wheel that assisted in the death of Balaban True when his conjoined twin, Mark, leapt to his death. Mark but not Balaban had been fired from the carnival sideshow. He could not bear the thought of his brother having to do ...

Third grade. I was playing four square. Chip, Mickey, Thomas faced me as I prepared to serve to one of their respective squares. Rusty. I could see Rusty exit the building  then, seemingly, head straight for me. He looked angry. For an eight year old he looked incredibly angry. And focused. Focused on me. The kickball we were using bounced off my knees, I could sense Mickey’s and the other’s confusion. Closer now, Rusty was fuming. His cheeks red and puffed out from his heavy breathing, perspiration forming on his lip. Marching, clenched fists, and his fly down. He looked so serious and there he was, barn door open. I think I may have smiled a little. I certainly chuckled. “Shut up!” He half-yelled, half squeaked, at my silence and held up his fist. “Just us!” And grabbed me by the belt like he intended to carry me off like a suitcase. Then I thought, “wedgie!” But, no, no wedgie. In the two seconds it lasted I felt just slightly, weirdly, ro...