My Baby Smokes Cigars With Whores

Dad and Mom are in their lovely middle class living room. Both in their early 30’s. They are Latino. Dad is watching TV. Mom looks on, seeming a bit dazed.
Randy, who is clearly a bit older and caucasian, walks by in a business suit.
Dad: Randy, why don’t you come have a seat? Me and your mother would like to speak with you for a moment. And, you know buddy, it’s kind of important.
Mom: *Nods, wide eyed, maybe even a little scared. 
Randy: Looks quizzical at his parents and sits down slowly.
Dad: Now, Randy, I know you think you are a big boy. I mean, look at you, you’re what, 38?
Randy: 40, Dad.
Dad: Wow, 40. Can you believe it, hon? Our boy is really growing up fast. Isn’t he, honey?
Mom: (Eeks out) Uh-huh. Grow?
Dad: Yes, “grow”. And that’s what I want to talk to you about, buddy. Growing. Now, I know you take two trains and a bus to get to work everyday but, and your mom agrees, it’s time you start kindergarten. Right honey?
Mom: (Stares blankly)
Randy: But, father, what could I possibly learn in public education that I can’t learn at the office everyday?
Dad: Randy, I know it’s hard to understand. You’re so young and the world is so new. So much to explore. But, trust me, PS136, that’s your move.120k at the firm, there’s no future in that. There’s no stability. 
Randy: Well, I realize it will sound quite uninspired to you, Daddy, but maybe I will just pack my things and move out. “Run away” if you will.
Dad: Well, I won't !! Randall Winthorp Winchester Winstonsonton, before you were born, your mother and I had a heckuva time getting pregnant. A heckuva time! No matter what we tried, nothing seemed to work. But we knew, if it ever happened, if we ever had a child, we wouldn’t care if it was a boy a girl, it would never affect how much love we had to give. We just wanted a child. A healthy little baby to hold and love and teach to ride a bike and swim. So, when you were born, a fully-suited, slightly overweight, receding hairlined, middle aged white man, we thought, “We have the most beautiful baby ever born.” And, you know, never for one second have we loved you any less for it. Right honey?
Mom: Right, less.
Dad: And that is how you know your mom and I will never steer you wrong. We always have your best interest at heart. But, that also means we have expectations from you, young man. You’ll be going to school soon and you’ll need to study. So, no more saving your allowance for strippers or "Dates" with "coke whores". Not on a school night, young man. I don’t care what “all your friends at the club say”, that’s not how you meet a wife. 
Mom: (Shuddering, staring at Randy) My baby smokes cigars with whores.
Dad: (Dismissively, with humor) Yes, honey, your baby smokes cigars with whores.
(turns back to Randy)
Look, buddy, your mom and I aren’t getting any younger. We won’t always be around to take care of you. So, it’s our job to prepare you for the world.
Randy: Ok, Dad, if you say so. Kindergarten it is. Thank you for loving me so much.
Dad: It’s our pleasure son. Right Hon?
Mom: (grunts weakly, keeps her eye on Randy)
Randy: Mom, Dad, can I get a hug?
Dad: Why sure buddy!

Mom: Don’t touch me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

WHITE TILE ON CANVAS

Image
WHITE TILE ON CANVAS (Curtain opens, a young Ben Shapiro, seemingly moping, with bad posture has his hands in his pockets.  He is lightly kicking at the snow) (Enter Dad Cheerily) Hey son, young Ben Shapiro! Whatcha doin’ champ? YBS Just playin’ in the snow, Pa. You know me, young Ben Shapiro, if I’m not practicing my violin I’m playin’. Dad Well, sure don’t look very playful to me son…young Ben Shapiro YBS Dad, thing is, I love playing the violin. Playing the theme from Schindler’s list on the violin over and over is exactly what a young boy, a young Ben Shapiro, needs. But…But… Dad (Understanding) Oh, I see. I think I know what this is about. I think I understand. YBS You do, Pa? Dad This is about the little dicks, isn’t it, my son, the young Ben Shapiro? YBS (Looks up relieved) Yeah, Dad. It is. It is about the little dicks. Dad Well, it’s no secret. Us Shapiros love drawing little dicks. YBS (Excited...
Don't stop there!!! »

The Curious Fate of Lindsey Graham's Boy Scout Troop

Image
The Curious Fate of Lindsey Graham’s Boy Scout troop Lindsey Graham (R.) was born in the summer of 1955. He joined the Boy Scouts in 1962. This is the story of the 10 deaths in Troop 966 over the next ten years. Every one was an accident. Every one easily explained. Or are they? Sure, Kyle Bottoms drowned in his swimming pool. Children sometimes die in swimming pools. They usually drown. But why were his lungs full of Kool-Aid? And why Cherry? During Lindsey Graham’s first year as a Boy Scout there were three mysterious deaths attributed to “freak accident”. October of 1962, a ferris wheel malfunctions and Tim Kohler is crushed when sword swallower Jim Hicks falls to his death. Freak accident. It is worth noting, this would be the same ferris wheel that assisted in the death of Balaban True when his conjoined twin, Mark, leapt to his death. Mark but not Balaban had been fired from the carnival sideshow. He could not bear the thought of his brother having to do ...
Don't stop there!!! »

QUICKPOOZ LLC Future Efficiency Toilets for Today!!

Image
This year, the sloping toilet received a bit of press and social media attention. It is meant to "discourage loitering" and looks something like this. Never wanting to miss out on an opportunity to make a buck, I created QUICKPOOZ LLC. What follows are our own toilets designed to "discourage loitering". The Spike Toilet was our first idea and it inspired many great ideas. It challenged what we at QUICKPOOZ LLC thought of as "discomfort" and "pressure". The Electric Toilet's groundbreaking engineering pushed our creative team and soon we added this Nikolai Tesla inspired favorite to the production schedule. And then, a breakthrough. The elements! What else had we been missing?  What is faster than a fear shit? Artists, engineers and marketing, working in concert to bring about a new era of high productivity and high risk BMs. CEOs and regional managers love us. Loyal employees fear genital mutilation while p...
Don't stop there!!! »